March 23, 2006

Yesterday was a very heartwrenching day for me….
I last talked to my friend Judy the week of the 17 of October....
she was going the next day or two to find out the results of her check up....
she had been cancer free for a year...this was her second cancer...
she said she felt good...and expected them to tell her that she was good...
I asked her to call me if she got bad news....
she died on November 20th...and was buried on the 23rd...
the day before Thanksgiving.... the time when we are all shutting down…HOLIDAYS

So….cried all afternoon…. When people would call I said
I was catching a cold…we all make excuses ……
somehow we don’t want to explain tears…
I did get a well needed hug from my daughter in law Judy
when I dropped off my Granddog after Work…...
(she asked if I was OK to drive…if
she only knew how many of us are out there crying
behind the steering wheel….
it’s a wonder we weren’t all killed
our first couple years of grief)
cried all the way home…. one of those
truly deep grief crying….You know….been there…..
I knew it wasn’t just for my friend Judy…but
this entire stinking month of March….
my spirit was so wounded again…
it needed a release…and tears do such a good job of that…

Stopped by the cemetery wiped snow off of Jason’s headstone.
Looked around to see if I could feel where my friend
Judy was buried….but it was late…and the caretaker was making his rounds
before closing the gate for the night… So I left before I wanted to….

The night was good…just watched a movie….
my eyes were still burning when I went to bed….
but I was tired and wanted to just sleep…..
Fell asleep Almost the instant my head hit the pillow….
and slept very sound until nature Called at 3:00 a.m.

After crawling back in bed….I realized that
I must have Been to the “other side”
because I do not sleep that soundly.
I always wondered if we have to come back just to take
Care of the body’s needs…..or was my “allotted” time up.

I had woke up feeling peaceful…really peaceful.
Then laying there I realized that I could not remember anything ….
I think this “journey” was just to heal my spirit……
I had asked Jason for a dream weeks ago.
I so very much wanted a hug and a kiss…….. and I always ask that I remember it….
.but nothing. Then I fell back asleep…..ahhhh wonderful sleep.
Jason was there with 2 young men with dark hair.
One’s actions made him look older….
but he wasn’t…..and the other one appeared younger….
but that to wasn’t true… They were cooking….
said they had a lot to do…expecting a lot of people to be there…..
As I held Jason and felt the hug and kiss…
he said…”see I’m not dead”
and just as he said that I turned around and
met a woman from Iowa who had lost her son….
she said she had just joined the group….
I told her that I was sorry….but as she could see My son wasn’t dead….
but I had lived it for a long time….she just smiled.

This was some sort of convention for bereaved parents….
like help them to accept….and to realize their child wasn’t dead either.
Many people…maybe Thousands……huge….
the boy that appeared older was the leader
( I took this to mean he had been there longer)
the” teacher”….as was Jason to the younger boy.
They were feeding all these people with a “soup” like meal.
When the pot would empty…they would make more….a broth with wide
Noodle about 1 inch wide and 3 inches long….
I know this must have meant something…but I don’t know what…

On my way to work….a golden eagle flew over my car….. thanks Jason!

May 1, 2006
My stop at the cemetery last night was awesome....
I visited Jason's grave then
I drove along the fence to the next
road that leads to the top of the hill
instead of going directly to the gate.
I was thinking of my friend and
wondering where she might be buried....
when I was told to stop.....
I drove on...then I was told to BACK UP
and get out of the car....I did...
I walked directly to her grave....
Now that was cool.....

Week of August 21, 2006
Bud and Lad were at "Super Chevy"
car show/races down in Colorado.
I always ask Jason to go with them
to watch over them and keep them safe.
They came home on Monday the 21st.
Tuesday morning on my drive to work a beautiful Bald Eagle
flew about 10 feet in front and about 15 feet above my car.
Like Jason was saying, "I'm back now"
Wednesday after work getting ready for dinner
I found a dime on the table.
I thought it was the dime that Bud had found in Colorado.
No, this dime was meant for me.
His dime was still in his pocket.
This morning Thursday the 24th.
I was driving down the hill from home on my way to work,
on 3 fence posts sat 3 huge Golden Eagles.
It's just so odd to see them together like that.
Thanks Jason.... I love getting all these signs.

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